remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
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Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
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He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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