Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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