why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
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Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
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My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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