T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
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You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
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If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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