I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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