So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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