You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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