I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize