He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
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there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
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My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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