I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
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Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
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I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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