Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
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Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
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I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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