My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
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His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
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You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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