Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
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girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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