The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
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You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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