I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
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I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
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My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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