The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize