Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
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I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
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I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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