If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
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Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
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I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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