she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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