mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
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Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
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I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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