I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
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Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
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Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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