After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
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Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
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Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize