i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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