I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
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Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
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Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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