You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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