Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
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I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
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HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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