No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
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He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
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All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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