she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
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My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
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I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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