My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
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