Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize