Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
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Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
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But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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