The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
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You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
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I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
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