Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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