dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
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I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
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