I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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