so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
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