My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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