i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
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My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
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He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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