my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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