He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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