If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
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Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
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She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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