I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
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seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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