You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
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Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
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He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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