This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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