I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
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gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
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If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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