Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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