It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
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I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
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i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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