It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
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I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
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I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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