this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
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i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
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Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
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