my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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